A Holiday Gift Guide: Seduction Through Cinema

December 14, 2009

1) Any single friend of your preferred sexual orientation

This is the one ingredient you must bring to the party. Do not be picky. Crooked teeth, bad breath, odd-shaped breasts, hairy chest, Caucasian be damned! The only metric required here is this: would you get funky with this person if you were stuck with him/her on an island alone for eternity? Throw all that "qualities checklist" mumbo-jumbo out the window. I don't care if you think of this person as "a sister/brother." In this case, incest is the lesser of two evils. Choose quickly and move on, soldier.

2) Invite "friend" over to a casual movie night with good buddies

But do not invite the good buddies. When he/she arrives and sees your place empty (like your heart is currently), just tell him/her that all the good buddies bailed on "us" last second. This untruthful admission may send up a big red flag and scare "friend" away before conversion into holiday bedfellow can be accomplished. In order to avoid this, cry. I know that for most, crying on cue is impossible. But fear not, for I am a seasoned thespian with sure-fire techniques of emotion manipulation. Just do this: don't blink at all from the time you answer the door for "friend" until admission of good buddies bailing. Not blinking during the cold of winter will produce juicy tears that will cascade down your face and make Demi Moore's performance in Ghost seem dry and inadequate. Also, make sure you stare down at his/her feet when you say "good buddies bailed on 'us' last second.'" The combination of tears and head droop will tenderize his/her heart and trump the potential fight or flight fear of "friend hitting on me".

3)  Do not turn on heater for 24 hours prior to arrival of "friend" to casual movie night with good buddies

This is an important step. Your place must be very cold prior to the arrival of "friend." How cold? Not so cold as to risk death if you two were to accidentally fall asleep on separate couches. But cold enough that the suggestion of sitting closer to one another will be a conversation of logical pragmatism and not of sexual advancement. If you live in a warmer climate, turn on your A/C to max and leave the doors of your refigerator fully ajar.

4) Snuggie

Buy one and only one and conveniently place it within arm's reach of your movie-viewing area. Make sure all other blankets are removed from your house/condo/apartment/trailer. Purchase only the leopard skin patterned Snuggie. This is important. This animal pattern will provide you with something to talk and laugh about as you get through the first few awkward moments of being under the sheets together. Why a Snuggie instead of a typical throw or blanket you may ask? The sleeves. The Snuggie is designed for one. By using it for two, each party must thread one arm through the sleeve holes, thus creating a natural, body-distance bookend and guaranteed, full-length body contact. If, for some reason, you and your "friend" are of the typical, super-skinny Asian variety as a result of lack of exercise, chain smoking, and hummingbird DNA/metabolism, purchase the Snuggie For Kids. If that does not ensure intimate body contact, the Snuggie For Dogs should do the trick.  If that doesn't work, you're probably too skinny to function sexually anyways and should immediately call a doctor.

5) Cellphone jammer

The success of the Seduction Through Cinema© technique hinges on uninterrupted moments between you and "friend." A night of texting and friends of "friend" calls will only serve to thwart your holiday union efforts. A cellphone jammer will enable you to master and tame our modern technological conveniences. But don't be fooled by the multitude of consumer-grade jammers on the market. They are not 100 percent effective. A single text sneaking by a consumer-grade jammer is one text too many. You want holiday honey? You gotta spend some holiday money... for a MILITARY-GRADE jammer. It's very expensive and can only be purchased through Blackwater, but it's guaranteed to work by the US Military because it's made by smart, Taiwanese PhDs. Just make sure you don't keep it on for too long. It's very powerful and can bring down commercial jetliners and/or ocean vessels within 100 miles of use.

6)  Horny goat weed

It's a cute little plant with a funny little name. It's also one of history's most potent aphrodisiacs, guaranteed to seriously increase any man/woman's libido upon ingestion. Just keep this plant on your coffee table (it looks like a green poinsettia anyway) and tear off a leaf every 15 minutes or so and just eat it. Make sure your leaf-eating actions are as natural and as unnoticed as your breathing. Do not draw attention to it. Sooner or later "friend" will ask what you're snacking on. At that point, just tell him/her it's a rare, Amazonian longevity plant with leaves that taste like chocolate mint. This simple oddity will prove too tempting for even the most skeptical "friend." By the time he/she realizes that the leaf tastes like dog crap, the aphrodisiac will have already entered their bloodstream. Chocolate? Gets them every time. Hee, hee, hee...

7)  The movie

By this time, you and "friend" should be well into the flow of Seduction Through Cinema©. It's quiet, you're both wrapped in a single Snuggie, and horny goat weed is surging through your veins. Even the most platonic relationships will morph into a fervent, animal attraction by this point. If not, your "friend" probably died of a horny goat weed overdose. So if indeed you are not cuddling with a corpse, it is time to complete the circle of life. It is time to pick that perfect movie that will transform your "friend" into your "holiday lover." But choose wisely you must. I provide the following three movie suggestions (and a more eclectic alternative for those educated sophisticates). Depending upon what "seduction type" your "friend soon to be holiday lover" is, will determine which film you should choose. Only you can know. I am but the messenger...

7A)  Y Tu Mama Tambien

This 2001 Oscar-nominated movie is a fine film about two horny boys going on a Mexican road trip with a horny MILF with fantastic breast implants. There're a lot of steamy sex scenes that will ensure temperature elevation between you and your "friend" in your Snuggie burrito. The subliminal message of this movie is simple yet very powerful: have lots of sex NOW cause you could be dead tomorrow. If your "friend's" seduction type is of a carpe diem-like nature, this is the correct movie choice for you. When the movie credits role, just look over at your friend, stare straight into his/her eyes, and say/do nothing. Stay close enough so you can feel the warmth of his/her nose breath but remember, say/do nothing. I guarantee, within a matter of seconds he/she will lunge for your lips, tongue darting like a frog at a fly carnival. The transformation will be complete and your "holiday lover" will be born. Dios mio...

(Eclectic alternative: Ne Le Dis a Personne. It's a French thriller that came out in 2006, also known as Tell No One. What would you do if the love of your life mysteriously died only to receive a cryptic email from him or her five years later saying that he/she is alive? Director Guillaume Canet creates a thinking person's action thriller with great story, solid acting, and no special effects. This one will keep you on the edge of your seat in a way that Transformers or GI Joe never could. And don't worry, this film's subliminal message will do the same job as the Mexican sex movie previously mentioned. Oh mon dieu!)

7B)  Up

Up? Really? But there's no romance in this film, right? It's just a movie about the coming of age journey of a portly Asian kid and and an aged geriatric caucasian. How can this movie be the final key to the completion of Seduction Through Cinema©? It's simple really. This movie is the perfect choice if your "friend" is of the shy variety, someone who is a bit tepid and has a history of taking forever to get to first base. The subliminal message of this movie is virtually hidden but potent when realized -- your true soulmate has always been right there beside you the whole time. But this time, you need to take a bit of initiative. When the movie credits roll, look into his/her eyes, wait until his their pupils dilate, then give him/her a long, drawn-out, dry kiss. Remember, a kiss as dry as sand is important to open up the heart of this flower. But do not worry. Such innocent formalities will quickly morph into flames of passion due to the horny goat weed clouding their better judgement.

(Eclectic alternative: Rory O'Shea Was Here. Two wheelchair-bound London youths with severe physical disabilities work together to experience life's adventures usually denied to the disabled. Sometimes your best buddy is someone you least expect. Be prepared to cry in this one. Directed by Damien O'Donnell, 2004)

7C)  Showgirls

The is your fail-safe upon discovery that your "friend" is stupid. This is not a bad thing, btw (especially if "friend" has fine bumps in right places). No amount of subliminal messaging will be able to effectively coerce your "friend" into a romantic fervor. Just fast forward to the Elizabeth Berkley/Kyle Mclaughlin lap dance or pool humping scene. Either will suffice. Do not wait until the end credits to bust a move. Remember, the stupid must be led. By leading him/her to your romantic promised land, you will be performing a charitable act. Help them help you help them help yourself. This time, you must not only lead the horse to water, but must spit the knowledge of life into his/her mouth.

(Eclectic alternative: The Lover. How can you beat 1930s French-Indochina child porn? There's some sort of multiethnic love-making scene at least every 12 minutes in this film. Just staring at Tony Leung Ka Fai's hair can make even the most prude temporarily slutty. A more sophisticated choice when compared to Showgirls.  Unfortunately your stupid "friend" will not have the mental capacity to know the difference.)

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Well, there you have it, a guaranteed roadmap to romantic success. Use the Seduction Through Cinema© technique tonight and you're virtually guaranteed a love buddy for the holiday season. If you're not 100 percent happy and satisfied with the results, please contact me directly at YouOffendMeYouOffendMyFamily.com. It may be freezing-ass cold outside, but it doesn't mean that your bed has to be. I am here for you. Just do it...




EXCELLENT, excellent, Roger. Will do. Only question . . what's with this cell phone jamming nonsense? What's wrong with putting a phone on silent? why you gotta make things so complex?